It was easy to cut your accountant, your dentist,
and the guy who sells you double lattes every morning. But how
will you pare down the rest of your guest list?
Negotiating the wedding guest list can be one of the most difficult
and emotional aspects of wedding planning. Sure, you want everyone
you know to share in your special day, to see how gorgeous the
two of you look, and to cry at your first dance. But, in most
cases it's impossible to invite everyone linked to the bride,
the groom and both sets of parents. Each guest you invite translates
into money spent on your wedding. Even if budget is not an issue,
your ceremony or reception location probably has a maximum headcount
-- unless you will be having the party in an airplane hangar.
Follow these tips to make the guest list cutting process less
painful.
Making a List, Checking it Twice. Before cutting the list, you
actually have to make one. First, think about the kind of wedding
you will be having. Will it be an intimate family-oriented affair
or a big bash? Who is paying for the wedding, and what is the
maximum headcount, given your budget? What expectation do those
footing the bill have about being able to dictate who is invited?
These will be your parameters. Don't go a step further without
defining them. Begin compiling names. Have your fiancé,
your parents and your future in-laws do the same. Combine the
lists to create your master list, and then assess how far away
you are from your target number, over or under. (If you're like
most brides, you're over.) Now you can begin the editing process.
Friends and Family. When cutting the list, think of including
only people you, your fiancé and your families know really
well -- people who have supported you and truly matter to you.
Invite your nearest and dearest, relatives and friends. If you
don't recognize a name on the list, it's probably a name that
can go. Never heard of Raj Chauhan Make a case to scratch him,
even if he's one of your dad's business associates. Never met
Great Aunt Sarita? You don't need to meet her on your wedding
day. But don't be recalcitrant in your decisions to cut people.
If your mother desperately wants to invite a certain someone,
hear her out. Herein lies the great dichotomy in guest list
cutting: be ruthless, but be gracious. If you strike the right
balance between the two, you will be able to cut your list and
still make everyone happy.
All's Fair. One of the stickiest points of list negotiating
is dealing with the future in-laws. Whoever is paying for the
wedding, typically the bride's parents, probably expects to
have more control over the guest list. But don't make the mistake
of drastically limiting the number of guests on the in-laws'
list. Their child is getting married, too, and they want the
important people in their lives to attend. If they can't cut
their list to the number you specify, consider asking them to
pay for the extra guests (if your reception venue has the room).
Reciprocity. Just because you were invited to your former
tennis partner Jayant's wedding doesn't mean you have to invite
her to yours, especially if you two are no longer in contact.
That goes for your very distant cousin Ketan, the one you met
only once, at his wedding. This is not payback time for wedding
invitations you have received or wedding gifts you have given
in the past.
Surprise. Don't invite people assuming that they won't come
-- you may be in for a surprise. And don't significantly over-invite
because you're depending on a certain number of regrets, you
can never really anticipate how many regrets you will receive.
Some couples, especially those who have carefully pared down
their guest lists to the essential folk, report close to 100
percent RSVPs. Two Lists. If you have a group of borderline
people that you would love to invite if you could, create a
B-list. Send out your definite invites about two months before
the wedding and wait to see who replies. For every person who
can't come, send out an alternate invitation. Send your alternate
invitations no less than a month before the big day so guests
don't feel like an afterthought.
Category Cuts. If you're still having trouble paring
down the list, consider cutting out entire groups of people.
It can be brutal, but is sometimes necessary. For example:
Co-workers. Only invite those who you have socialized
with outside of work. If you left your current job tomorrow,
who would you stay in touch with? Invite your boss only if you
have a close relationship with him/her, not to score points.
Old friends. Don't dig up friends from long ago. If you have
to conduct a major search to find their address, they probably
shouldn't be on the list.
Kids. Kids look so cute at weddings in their dress-up
duds, but they don't need to be there if you need to make cuts.
Be tough, just eliminate all kids under a certain age -- 16
or 18 -- unless they are your nieces, nephews or first cousins.
Dates. Your single friends need not be invited to bring
a date to your wedding. Those who are engaged or involved in
a committed relationship should be invited with their honeys.
Members of your wedding party should also be allowed to bring
a date. The rest of your single friends can seize the opportunity
to mingle and maybe they'll end up being the next to walk down
the aisle.
Look at your wedding guest list as the list of the people who
will see you get married and hang in there with you forever
more. If you want them in your life as a couple, invite them
to your wedding. And don't worry, your long lost third cousin
twice removed probably won't even know she missed your wedding.
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