It may take some strategizing to get your
future in-laws in your corner. And it's a big deal, considering
that a harmonious relationship with them can have an effect
on your relationship with your spouse-to-be. So here are some
steps to take toward making sure that you all live as one big,
happy, extended family. You might be pleasantly surprised to
find your own life enriched by a positive relationship with
your in-laws. After all, these are the people who raised your
partner-to-be and helped make him/her the person he/she is today.
So how bad can they be? E is for Effort. The first rule of in-law
schmoozing is put in the extra effort. This relationship is
not going to be automatic, and your in-laws are not necessarily
going to put gobs of effort into winning you over (although
some do). Going above-and-beyond is sure to earn you brownie
points. Take the grocery bags out of the car; better yet, unpack
them. Help with clearing the table, and then do the dishes --
grooms especially will look good here. And grooms, bringing
flowers to your mother-in-law-to-be on any occasion can't hurt.
Her favorite peonies will be even more impressive. My mom was
always impressed with routine pitching-in, but she was really
blown away when my husband did something out-of-the-ordinary
for her and my dad -- like cook them a meal or treat them to
dinner at a restaurant. In any possible in-law situation, think
"extra effort" and you're covered. This is a good
tactic to begin as soon as you feel they might end up as your
in-laws. Don't wait until the engagement is announced to be
on your best behavior… and get on their good side.
What do you call them? After the wedding, have an honest
chat about what they want you to call them and what you feel
comfortable calling them. Mom and Dad doesn't work for every
in-law, and many people reserve that title for their own parents
only.
The Pre-engagement Meeting. Grooms, take note of this
one: before getting engaged, sit down with your father-in-law-to-be,
old-fashioned style, to tell him of your plans to marry his
daughter. If this sounds a tad too traditional for you, take
the more modern and egalitarian approach: include your mother-in-law-to-be
and your bride-to-be at this meeting, if the two of you have
mutually planned to become engaged as many couples do today.
The pre-engagement meeting shows your future in-laws that you
respect them enough to brief them on your plans and seek their
blessing.
Happy Birthday, Dear In-law. Implement operation birthday
card… and anniversary card, and cards for any other holiday
your future in-laws care about. Find out the special dates covertly,
so your in-laws will be surprised by your missives.
The Personals. Find out what your in-laws care about
and like to do. Does he love 50s jazz? Is she a devoted gardener?
Do they bowl every week? These are very helpful for conversation
fodder, and provide inspiration for gift-giving as well. Do
you share a hobby with the future in-laws? My husband and my
dad have built quite a bond around the Los Angeles Lakers. Find
out their favorite wine, and bring a bottle when invited to
dinner or for the weekend. Learn about who they are; ask for
their opinions. Brides, you can ask your mother-in-law-to-be's
opinions on various choices you're making in planning your wedding.
It will help make her feel included in what's going on.
Perfectly Polite. Follow the rules of simple etiquette
and you'll be a big hit. Do all of those things your own mom
taught you to do. Please and thank you go a long way when it
comes to in-laws. Thank them for anything they do for you. Verbal
thanks are great after dinners out. But written thank yous are
better after a stay at their house or a special gift. Grooms
can score big points by opening doors for their mother-in-laws-to-be.
Give up your seat when someone older enters the room. Use proper
table manners. And don't be stingy with the compliments.
All in the Family. When in their home, act like a real
family member, not an honored guest. Clear the table, clean
the kitchen, pick up after yourself, run errands, walk the dog,
wash the car, make your bed. Anything short of scrubbing the
toilet will work wonders. And if, heaven forbid, you're politely
asked to scrub the toilet do it.
Bedfellows. On the subject of beds: don't expect to share
quarters in your future in-laws' home until you are married,
even if you and your partner live together. Respect their rules
and their values. Not in the Family. You're one of the family
when setting the table, but during a family squabble, stay out
of it. You truly are not a member of your partner's blood family,
so don't take sides. Don't participate in a spat between your
in-laws, and don't include them in an argument between you and
your partner. Be sure not to call attention to your partner's
shortcomings in the presence of your in-laws. Remember, they
didn't change your diapers, OK? Faith of our Fathers. Unless
there is a serious reason not to, attend their place of worship
when invited, whether or not you practice their faith (or any
other). Your mere presence will demonstrate that you respect
their faith. Take a second step, and learn more about their
faith if you do not share it, especially if you will be married
in the tradition of their religion.
Love to Love You. Show your future in-laws how much you
love their darling baby. Tell them how wonderful he/she is to
you and how you can't wait to share your life with him/her.
Give them confidence in your love for their offspring.
Keep it Up. So now your future in-laws love you. After
the wedding, don't slack off. By the way, a weekly call to them
couldn't hurt.
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