They shared a room, they shared bunk beds,
a treehouse, a dog and the back seat of the car on family vacations.
They shared secrets and inside jokes. They know how to make
each other really angry, and in turn, explode into so many giggles
they can hardly breathe. Your spouse-to-be and his or her siblings
know each other inside and out. They have a deep bond that has
been in place for many years. So how, as the newcomer into the
family circle, do you deal with those all-important sibs?
Our guide can help you build healthy, harmonious relationships
with your new siblings. We can't promise that you'll be best
friends forevermore, but we can probably keep you off the daytime
talk shows.
Bond, Sibling Bond: When venturing into a relationship
with your new sibs, it helps that you understand the depth of
their bond. Lisa Machenberg, a therapist who specializes in
relationship enhancement, explains: "The bond between siblings
is incredibly close... it's closer than any friends. And unlike
friends, sometimes you can have a big fight with your friends
and you can leave the friendship, with siblings even when you
hate them you still love them and care about what they think."
So, try to respect that very intense bond when dealing with
your new sibs. If you understand it, it will be easier not to
be jealous of it or threatened by it. Your spouse-to-be's love
for his/her siblings in no way diminishes his/her love for you.
The Sibling Story: But why does it seem so threatening
to deal with your spouse-to-be's nearest and dearest? "We're
all very sensitive about peer relationships starting from about
age 9 or 10," Machenberg says. "And when you get married,
your husband or wife's siblings become your new peer group.
With the siblings we feel judged, like being judged by our peers."
Also, siblings have the power to influence your beloved. "Siblings'
opinions really affect our partner. If the siblings don't like
you, it can have a big impact on the marriage."
You Like Me, You Like Me: How can you encourage those
siblings to like you? It's all up to you. Don't rely on your
partner to get the new relationship in motion, and don't rely
on the new siblings to make things happen. "You really
have to do the work toward making the relationship yourself,"
says Machenberg. If your husband-to-be has a sister, call her
and make a lunch date. Go shopping together. Go for a hike or
a run. Do things that give you time to talk and get to know
one another. Look for mutual interests. The key is to form a
relationship that is independent of the sibling's relationship
with your partner. "Develop a feeling of closeness, loyalty
and a bond that is all your own," says Machenberg. Also,
Machenberg stresses the importance of creating your own rituals
and traditions with your new sibs that have nothing to do with
family traditions already in place. "That means saying,
'The Wednesday before your birthday we have lunch.' "
But Machenberg points out that forming an independent relationship
with a sibling who is not of your gender can be dicey. "There
actually can be sexual tension or attraction, so be very careful
about it." She suggests that the three of you go out together,
or if the sibling is in a relationship or married, do a lot
of double dating.
Time for the Sibs: Togetherness is great, but allowing
your new siblings and your partner to have private time can
earn you brownie points with the sibs. If your partner must
go to the Knicks game once a month with his brother, or a movie
every so often with his sis, or even have lengthy phone conversations
-- give him space. The sibling will feel good knowing that he/she
doesn't have to fight you for time. And your partner won't hear
complaints like, "Hey, we used to go out all the time and
now I never see you."
Siblings Included: In building these new relationships,
it's critical to make the sibs feel that they are an important
part of your lives. Include them in some way in every major
event in your life as a couple, starting with your wedding.
Ask them to be attendants. Give them jobs, ask for their opinions.
Invite them to showers, engagement parties and other events.
When on your honeymoon, send them a postcard and bring them
back souvenirs. Continue to be inclusive when it comes to events
such as the birth of a baby or religious ceremonies. In turn,
participate in your new siblings' major life events like birthdays,
weddings and other turning points.
It's About Your Brother: Unless you're planning a surprise
party, it's probably a good idea not to talk about your partner
with his/her siblings without his/her knowledge. Steer clear
of unloading problems you're having with your partner or saying
anything derogatory about your partner to his/her sibs. There
are, however, circumstances that warrant a private chat between
you and your new sibs. "If there's a crisis situation,
a health situation or a mental health situation, it's appropriate
to only talk about things that are in the best interest of the
relationship."
They Don't Like Me: If you get the feeling that your
new siblings really don't like you, it's time for your spouse
to get involved. "It's the partner's responsibility to
find solutions," says Machenberg. "If there's ever
a big issue, have the biological sibling do the talking and
defend the partner."
They Like Me Too Much: Your efforts worked: your new
siblings are calling and coming over constantly. And it's driving
you crazy. "It's time to play good cop, bad cop,"
says Machenberg. You tell them how much you love having them
over so much, but have the biological sibling lay down the law.
Although good feelings between you and your new siblings are
important, your relationship with your partner always takes
precedence.
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